Monday, January 12, 2015

It hasn't just been the last year, dear

I got an email yesterday from Ex.  I was surprised that he finally answered one of my myriad stabs into the dark.  He lost his cell phone and despite my many suggestions on how he can replace it (I'm stuck paying on it as part of my plan until June 2016, so he might as well use it) he hasn't lifted a finger to do anything.  He left the house and is staying somewhere, but I have no idea where that is, so at the moment I have no way to contact him.  Loving father that he is, he never asked about the kids or answered any of my emails asking if he wanted to see them over their Christmas break.

The email instead was a long run-on sentence full of mea culpas and how he handled the last year so poorly.  I decided not to respond.  At least not to HIM but instead to you, my loyal readers, all one of you.

Ex (he isn't dear!)

I didn't leave you for the way you acted in the last year.  I left you for the way you acted in the last 20 or so years.  Remember when I was pregnant with our first child and after dinner I wanted to go on a walk with you?  I wanted to spend some time together, talking.  I knew that once the baby entered our life our chances of being together would be far more limited.  You said no, you were tired and wanted to watch TV.

Remember during that same pregnancy when I complained about being uncomfortable and you said "I don't know what all the fuss is, women have babies on the side of the field and then go back to work."  Ex, do you personally know any such women?  I sure don't!

Then when I finally went into labor but it wasn't progressing, you wanted to leave me alone in the labor room with no phone (before cell phones people) and go home to get some sleep.

All of those said to me "I don't care about you, what you want or how you feel."

Do you remember when I started working nights and rather than be glad I finally got a job (you'd been badgering me for years) you were just mad that you had to take care of the kids and I didn't have a normal day job.  Even after I pointed out to you that in order to make it worth putting three kids in full time daycare I'd have to make over $60,000 a year?

When I moved to Oregon and you wouldn't even try to get a job up here leaving all of the parenting chores to me for nearly ten years.  When you did come up to visit you didn't even want to do anything with the kids.  When I needed to escape for a few hours after weeks of non-stop parenting, you'd pout because you wanted to spend time with me.

Even now you have no cell phone, no way for me to contact you if one of the kids should have an emergency.  I asked you (via email since it is all I have) if you wanted time with the kids for Thanksgiving or Christmas and I got no answer at all.  You haven't even given the kids any gifts for Christmas.

All of these said to me "I don't care about our kids, I think they are an inconvenience."

When you were mad at me for buying a new car, even though you sat next to me and signed the papers.  When you kept bringing home used cars that were ten miles away from dying.  When you left me in Oregon with unreliable transportation and living 20 miles away from civilization.

When you brought home used appliances that needed your constant attention to keep running, but then you'd leave and go back to California while your babies and I had to figure out how to live without a refrigerator or without a washing machine or without heat.

When you decided to cancel our garbage service but then refused to take the garbage to the dump until you "had a full load" and the pile just got bigger and August.

All of these said to me "I only care about money, not my family or their safety."

When you stopped cutting your hair and insisted I do it or it wouldn't get done.  Even when my hands hurt so much that I couldn't even write with a normal pen.

When you stopped shaving or showering unless I promised to have sex with you, even though your refusal to do so made you repellent.

When you kept "losing" the nice clothes I bought for you so whenever we wanted to go somewhere nice I either had to buy you new clothes or go out with you looking like a homeless person.

When you tried to go to the Paramount Theatre in Seattle Washington to see a Broadway play...wearing Scooby Doo pajama bottoms.

All of these said to me "I don't care how I look to you or to others and I don't care if I embarrass you."

When I bought a van at auction and wanted to drive it home myself rather than letting you take it to get more junk to hoard, you decided you'd never drive it.  Even when we were in the mountains and I was sleepy and my mom and step dad were in the back seat listening to you refuse to help me.

When you told my mom that if you didn't buy me that house in Oregon that I'd kill myself.

When you accused me of acting like your crazy selfish brother.

When you told my sister that I was making up my fibromyalgia diagnosis.

All of those said to me "I don't care about your feelings or how other people see you."

So you see Ex...those are just a few of the things you've said to me over the years.  You almost had me convinced that I deserved that, that you were the best I could ever hope to get, that you were the normal one, not me.  Recently though, I woke up and decided that living alone and raising three teenagers by myself and being celibate would be better than the hell I was living in.  THAT is why I left you.

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