Monday, February 2, 2015

If Only...

I've been dreaming a lot about Ex.  Not the Ex that I left, but a better, more perfect version of him.  I'm thinking of the person I wanted him to be and wished he could be.  When I told him I was leaving he said he'd change.  It had happened before, and he did change for awhile, but he always reverted back to his true self.  I told him that I knew that he couldn't sustain it and that I didn't want him to try.  He deserves somone who is happy with him as he is.

It is easier to stay, far far easier to just continue on in the same path if there are no outright dangers or abuse.  Leaving is hard...the mind wants to go back to the familiar.  My dreams are a sign of that.  I'm trying to create a list of the "perfect" man, the man to fulfill all of my needs.  I've been told to visualize what I want.  I did that with the place I'm living in now and it worked perfectly.  I need to do it with my job again because I might be heading for a layoff and I don't want to be jobless.

But a person?  Can I really visualize a person into my life?  If I do how do I go about that?  What do I wish for?  I've been told they all have to be positive, so I can wish for a nice dresser, but not wish for someone who is not a sloppy dresser.  What positive traits do I want this time around?

Yesterday was Ex;s birthday.  I had such mixed feelings.  I'm pretty sure he was alone and I feel badly about that, however, he did bring it on himself.  The kids would've been willing to spend at least part of the day with him if he'd only contacted them.  He chose not to.  As far as I know he hasn't contacted his family either.  I don't understand how he can refuse to contact his own family and let them know he is okay.  If anyone had asked me at any point in our marriage what was the most important thing to Ex I would've said "Family."  Funny how you can be married to someone for 28 years and not know them at all.

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