Mental Illness

I was emailing my mother the other day and said something about being excluded from couples invitations from other couples in the church I went to.  At the time I wasn't sure if there was something about ex that was offputting, or if it was simply because he didn't attend the church with the kids and I so no one there really knew him.  I think it was a little of both.  My mom then said:

"He really is bizarre and some of his strangeness is offputting.  When he talks he avoids eye contact, he giggles and moves around; he manifests behaviors of the mentally ill and nobody is going to include that in their lives voluntarily.  Not your fault, of course but you are judged for your mate's behaviors.  We saw people look at [Ex] and move away from him almost like they were afraid of him.  It's easy to understand why they would feel that way."

I read that through twice and started thinking, really?  Was I that blind?  So I, like any normal woman, turned to my best friend who has known me since before I even started dating Ex.  I sent her my mom's quote and asked her if she agreed.  She said:

"Yeah,  I did notice.  He always seems very jumpy and nervous, unless he is asleep!  LOL.  I think people steered clear more because he latches on to them and won't stop talking. When you put it all together it really does spell mental illness.  I doubt he will ever get help though because no one will push him."

I knew that Ex was a hoarder which is considered a mental illness.  I also knew that he had zero social skills and no social awareness.  Once when I told him after we'd moved that our neighbor was mad at us for years for the mess that he kept in the yard, he accused me of lying.  "She accepted help from me, she wasn't mad at us."  Of course when her husband was in the hospital and she came home with her two young kids and the front door was wide open she was perfectly willing to let you go in and see if anyone was in there!  Didn't stop her from being mad at you for bringing down the home values on our block.

Like my friend mentioned, he'd latch on to someone and talk their leg off.  Complete strangers in a store would be walking sideways trying to get away from him and he'd confuse their polite unwillingness to be rude or mean to him as interest in what he was saying.

He got stranger as the years wore on.  He stopped wearing clean clothes.  After his father died he'd only wear his father's old clothes, even though they didn't fit him.  He stopped showering and shaving or even getting his hair cut.

He drank...lots.  He never acted drunk, but he'd wake me up in the middle of the night too drunk to walk, falling on the floor and crying.  I gave up on ever having alcohol in the house for an occassional drink because it'd disappear.  He always said it was to help him sleep.

He slept, all the time.  His protestations of insomnia to the contrary, he'd fall asleep in the movies, while watching TV, even when we were talking.  He'd be snoring LOUDLY, then suddenly stop get out of bed and be rattling around in the bathroom.  I'd ask him what he was looking for and he'd say "A sleeping pill, I can't sleep."

I think I was blind, the behaviors came up so slowly and just one at a time so I'd get used to them before another would appear.  I didn't notice how "off" he was because I wasn't used to looking at the sum of his parts.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

When you've been married 27 years you don't just suddenly wake up one morning and decide to call it all off.  "Sorry dear, I'm tired of you.  Moving on!"

Nope.

You think...and think...and think some more.  You talk to your girlfriends, your mom, your sister...everyone besides the person you want to leave.  That's because you need to make a rational decision and if you talk to him, it'll get irrational real fast!  Not that I never talked to Ex, I told him I was unhappy.  I asked him to clean up all of his hoarded garbage.  I watched Hoarders: buried alive with the sick feeling that I was seeing my future.  I gave him a deadline.

The deadline passed.

While trolling the interwebs I discovered this book:  Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.  It was amazing...except for the fact that I saw Ex and I in each and every chapter.  Each chapter outlines a couple and their issue.  The issue is discussed and how it affects the marriage.  Then you are given some questions to answer and then told how different people felt after they either left or stayed when they had this issue in their marriage.  I didn't even make it through to the end because every single chapter ended with me likely being happy if I left.

It still took many more months, but it did help me start to make a plan.

It hasn't just been the last year, dear

I got an email yesterday from Ex.  I was surprised that he finally answered one of my myriad stabs into the dark.  He lost his cell phone and despite my many suggestions on how he can replace it (I'm stuck paying on it as part of my plan until June 2016, so he might as well use it) he hasn't lifted a finger to do anything.  He left the house and is staying somewhere, but I have no idea where that is, so at the moment I have no way to contact him.  Loving father that he is, he never asked about the kids or answered any of my emails asking if he wanted to see them over their Christmas break.

The email instead was a long run-on sentence full of mea culpas and how he handled the last year so poorly.  I decided not to respond.  At least not to HIM but instead to you, my loyal readers, all one of you.

Ex (he isn't dear!)

I didn't leave you for the way you acted in the last year.  I left you for the way you acted in the last 20 or so years.  Remember when I was pregnant with our first child and after dinner I wanted to go on a walk with you?  I wanted to spend some time together, talking.  I knew that once the baby entered our life our chances of being together would be far more limited.  You said no, you were tired and wanted to watch TV.

Remember during that same pregnancy when I complained about being uncomfortable and you said "I don't know what all the fuss is, women have babies on the side of the field and then go back to work."  Ex, do you personally know any such women?  I sure don't!

Then when I finally went into labor but it wasn't progressing, you wanted to leave me alone in the labor room with no phone (before cell phones people) and go home to get some sleep.

All of those said to me "I don't care about you, what you want or how you feel."

Do you remember when I started working nights and rather than be glad I finally got a job (you'd been badgering me for years) you were just mad that you had to take care of the kids and I didn't have a normal day job.  Even after I pointed out to you that in order to make it worth putting three kids in full time daycare I'd have to make over $60,000 a year?

When I moved to Oregon and you wouldn't even try to get a job up here leaving all of the parenting chores to me for nearly ten years.  When you did come up to visit you didn't even want to do anything with the kids.  When I needed to escape for a few hours after weeks of non-stop parenting, you'd pout because you wanted to spend time with me.

Even now you have no cell phone, no way for me to contact you if one of the kids should have an emergency.  I asked you (via email since it is all I have) if you wanted time with the kids for Thanksgiving or Christmas and I got no answer at all.  You haven't even given the kids any gifts for Christmas.

All of these said to me "I don't care about our kids, I think they are an inconvenience."

When you were mad at me for buying a new car, even though you sat next to me and signed the papers.  When you kept bringing home used cars that were ten miles away from dying.  When you left me in Oregon with unreliable transportation and living 20 miles away from civilization.

When you brought home used appliances that needed your constant attention to keep running, but then you'd leave and go back to California while your babies and I had to figure out how to live without a refrigerator or without a washing machine or without heat.

When you decided to cancel our garbage service but then refused to take the garbage to the dump until you "had a full load" and the pile just got bigger and stinkier...in August.

All of these said to me "I only care about money, not my family or their safety."

When you stopped cutting your hair and insisted I do it or it wouldn't get done.  Even when my hands hurt so much that I couldn't even write with a normal pen.

When you stopped shaving or showering unless I promised to have sex with you, even though your refusal to do so made you repellent.

When you kept "losing" the nice clothes I bought for you so whenever we wanted to go somewhere nice I either had to buy you new clothes or go out with you looking like a homeless person.

When you tried to go to the Paramount Theatre in Seattle Washington to see a Broadway play...wearing Scooby Doo pajama bottoms.

All of these said to me "I don't care how I look to you or to others and I don't care if I embarrass you."

When I bought a van at auction and wanted to drive it home myself rather than letting you take it to get more junk to hoard, you decided you'd never drive it.  Even when we were in the mountains and I was sleepy and my mom and step dad were in the back seat listening to you refuse to help me.

When you told my mom that if you didn't buy me that house in Oregon that I'd kill myself.

When you accused me of acting like your crazy selfish brother.

When you told my sister that I was making up my fibromyalgia diagnosis.

All of those said to me "I don't care about your feelings or how other people see you."

So you see Ex...those are just a few of the things you've said to me over the years.  You almost had me convinced that I deserved that, that you were the best I could ever hope to get, that you were the normal one, not me.  Recently though, I woke up and decided that living alone and raising three teenagers by myself and being celibate would be better than the hell I was living in.  THAT is why I left you.

Like Mother Like Daughter

I am my mother’s daughter

My mother asked my father for a divorce shortly after their 34^th wedding anniversary.  I remember at the time thinking “Why bother now?”  Of course when you are young it is hard to think about life after 50, not to mention thinking about your parents as sexual beings…I mean ICK!

I’d known my mom was unhappy in her marriage since I was 14.  I constantly expected her to leave my dad and for us to move away.  Instead she stayed, and stayed and stayed.  By the time I was 32 I figured she’d never leave, so it took me by surprise.   It also took my dad by surprise; even though she’d told him repeatedly that she was unhappy he was shocked that she decided to end their marriage.

I thought about staying with my husband until the kids were grown.  Then it occurred to me, my mom had done that.  What did I learn from her?  How to stay in a miserable marriage.  So what was I teaching my daughters?

My sister asked me why I decided to leave the Ex now.  She claimed that he hasn’t changed since we started dating.  That seemed odd to me, why would I want to be with someone who never changed after age 17?  I’m almost 50…I’d like to be with a grown-up thank you very much!  I’d told him repeatedly that I was unhappy and gave him warnings and ultimatums and he was still shocked that I decided to end our marriage.  I am my mother’s daughter…and I married my father.

Staying for the kids.

So often when you hear about bad marriages and wonder why two people who are so obviously ill suited for each other stay together you'll hear the same reason: "They are staying together for the kids."  I admit that is why I stayed in a bad marriage for so long.  When I gave my husband his ultimatum in January 2013 that he needed to find a job in Oregon (among other things) or I'd leave him I hoped it'd have a good effect on our kids.

What happened is probably what you'd expect.  He had no idea how to parent the teens they'd become while he was mostly gone.  Watching him deal with our children so ineffectually was part of the reason I decided that maybe we'd been better off without him.  When he first moved back our son was 20, had been away for a year of college and then developed two autoimmune illnesses.  During the nearly year long ordeal to get a diagnosis I realized that I couldn't lean on his father for support, he was leaning on me for support.  One time I needed to be at work and since the ex was unemployed it made sense for him to take our son to his appointment with his gastroenterologist.  After the appointment I asked him what was said...he had no idea.  My son had no idea either.  My son has an excuse, several actually.  One is that he is autistic and doctor's appointments are very stressful making it difficult for him to process the information; that is why he needs a parent there to help him.  The other is that he is still young and not used to navigating the myriad medical questions and opinions he's been subjected to in the last year.  How many young men are?  The third reason is that he has social anxiety which is common for autistic individuals.

Later on in the year my son had a liver biopsy scheduled for the same day that I'd volunteered to help at my daughters' camp.  I asked ex to take him to the hospital and told him that I'd be there as soon as I could be.  I assumed (yes, I know what happens when I assume something) that he'd stay with our son until I got there.  Nope, he dropped him off and ran to work.  Our son was visibly relieved when I arrived.

My older daughter has always been very headstrong.  She is very loving, empathetic and caring and the child most likely to clean up after herself or help me when I need it.  She also hates to be ordered around.  If you phrase a request the right way then she'll go to the ends of the Earth for you, if you make it a command, be prepared for a very long day.  Ex made hints...then got passive aggressive if you didn't pick up on the hints.  "Gee, that popcorn bowl has been there a long time" turned into a week long stand off between them.  When I asked her why she wouldn't take care of it she said "because then he'll make a comment about it."  What could I say, she was right.  If I'd said "Hey, can you bring that bowl into the kitchen?"  She would've done it quickly and it would've been over.  Ex didn't know how to parent her.  Not long after he moved back in with us she started spending every spare second in her room.  Maybe six months after he arrived she asked to see a counselor for anxiety.

My youngest daughter is very happy-go-lucky.  As a toddler she had a love for shoes that continues to this day.  She currently has pink hair and refuses to wear pants.  She has always had a love for fashion and is learning to sew her own clothes.  She loves her dad and missed him when he was gone.  She was the happiest to learn he was moving back.  I'm not sure if it was the tension between her parents that caused her anxiety.  None of the kids could've missed that dad was sleeping on the couch every night.  In September she had her first panic attack.  I noticed that she was getting annoyed with him and starting to talk back to him, but then she was 14.  I also noticed that she was also starting to hide in her bedroom.  Once again, she is a teenager, what is normal and what isn't?

I realized that all three of our kids were dealing with anxiety and hiding in their rooms.  Some of it could be attributed to their ages, but the suddenness of the change and the fact that it coincided with their father's move was not lost on me.  After we moved into our new home my older daughter saw her counselor.  She'd recently started a low dose of Zoloft for her anxiety and was telling everyone who'd listen how much it was helping her.  Her counselor thought that it was the move more than the very low dose of medication that helped her.

I'd been staying for the kids...and it was hurting them far more than I realized.

What is marriage without communication?

The first thing I found when I googled divorce after 50 was that all of the blogs seemed to be from women whose husbands had left them for a younger woman, or had an affair, or the woman had an affair.  There was nothing so dramatic in my marriage.  My husband was, as far as I know, faithful to me and I know I was faithful to him.  I never would've hurt him like that.  Really my marriage just ...died.  

There were so many different reasons I can give for why I fell out of love with my husband.  I'm sure many of them will be explored eventually in this blog.   The biggest thing that I noticed was that we stopped communicating.  It didn’t happen all at once, and I didn’t even notice it at first.  A couple of years ago I took my son to counseling for anxiety and at the first session she asked him “How is your relationship with your father?”  He answered “Fine, we don’t talk about much, mainly food.”   

Really?   

I started to pay attention to my conversations with my husband, I slowly realized…he’s right!  All we talked about with him was food; what was for dinner, what would we pack for lunch, what to get at the grocery store, what great deals he found at Grocery Outlet.  Food.

I can track the demise of conversation in our marriage to several issues.   First there was his extreme avoidance of anything resembling an argument.  He’d occasionally argue with me, but for the most part if he realized I was mad about something he’d leave.  As in…get in the car and drive away.  I’d be left home with the kids and my rage. 

Secondly there was his passive aggression…for example; right after we were married I decided I wanted a new car.  He didn’t want a new car.  I didn’t know for several years that he thought no one should ever buy a new car, used cars are a better value.  Did he tell me this?  Nope, not a word.  Not when we got in my used car to drive to the car dealership, not during the 45 minute drive, not even as I sat and negotiated with the salesman.  He said “Maybe we should go to another dealership.” That was his sole contribution.  But for 5 years afterwards whenever I complained about not having enough money he’d say “I never wanted to buy that car.”  Like that was useful…why didn’t he say something at the time? 

One of my pet peeves is being interrupted.  Not so much when someone interrupts my story to ask a clarifying question that shows they are listening, but when they interject something that shows their mind is obviously wandering and they aren’t paying attention to a word I’m saying.  There must be some masochism in my psyche because my soon to be ex-husband, my sister and my best friend are HORRIBLE interrupters and it annoys me to no end.  Why do I surround myself with people with this trait?  No idea, but if while reading this blog you have any insight, please share it with me!

The death knell was rung when we bought a house in Oregon and he continued to live in California.  At the time his work supplied him with a cell phone that honestly had the worst reception on the planet.  I could usually hear him okay, but he could barely hear a word I said.  The phone also disconnected us every two minutes.  I soon learned that he would pretend he heard what I was saying even when he couldn’t.  All of the stories I was sharing about the kids and my daily life were swimming in the ether…he heard none of them.  I suggested getting him a phone on my plan so he could hear me, but he refused.  Actually his usual answer was “I don’t want a cell phone at all.”   

I heard ‘I don’t really care what you have to say.’

Soon he decided he was afraid of the radiation so he would talk to me all the time on speaker phone.  I hated that, after all when you are talking to someone on the phone you have a reasonable expectation of privacy.  He’d walk into his mother’s house while talking to me and before I knew it she’d be part of our conversation.  Soon I stopped talking much at all.

He never seemed to notice.

Before long our ‘conversations’ were him telling me his day and me giving one word responses.  I kept waiting for him to notice that I wasn’t sharing my days or the kids’ days with him anymore.  I don’t think he ever did.

By the time he got a job in Oregon and moved in with us I was in the habit of sharing my day with my friends and the family I emailed.  I no longer remembered what it was like to share the little stories of our day with him.  So we talked about food, what to buy for dinner, how to cook it, what to save for lunch the next day.  It was a neutral subject that we both felt safe with.

Almost 50 and I'm starting over

Last month I left my husband of 28 years and our home of 10 years and moved with our three kids to a nearby city.  I'll be 50 in March.  I have a 21 year old son and 17 and 15 year old daughters.  I haven't dated anyone besides my soon to be ex-husband since I was 16.  He is the only man I've had sex with.  Now THAT is scary.  I've only had brand new, fumbling with clothes, discovering what each other looks like nude, sex with one person.  I've no idea what it is like to date as an adult.  I've no idea how to deal with all the issues of new sex (how long do I wait, who initiates, where to have it, etc.) as an adult.  I don't even know how to meet someone I might be interested in dating.

I just negotiated finding a rental home for the first time since I was 19.  I've lived in rentals, but they were mainly places where I knew the owner or fell into it and didn't need to bother with an application.  Man, do they ask a lot more questions than they did in the 80's.  My son had to fill out an application.  He'd never lived any place but with me and some rentals refused us because he didn't have a rental history.  He is a full time student with no money...what difference would it make if he had a rental history?

I had to set up utilities and negotiate setting up the wi-fi so my kids wouldn't dissolve into a puddle of unconnected goo.  I had to drive a U-Haul truck and back it up for the first time ever by myself.  I'm learning how to hang curtain rods, move furniture, put together a sectional sofa, and figure out how to get the full sized mattress and box-springs that I just purchased home.

I'm creating this blog for all of the other women who wait until later in life and find themselves starting over.  I plan to share most of the details of what lead to the divorce as well as how I'm starting over.  I don't know if anyone will read it, but maybe some other woman will find herself in a similar situation and will find solace in knowing she is not alone.